Time and Complications

When you’re younger, you can’t wait to be older. Everyone knows that. But more than just the liberties of being an adult, the young of the world wish for a life that is completely their own and easily figured out. There is this notion that when we are older, life will make sense. Complication will be gone. Life will work itself out.

Incorrect. At 16, I remember thinking that I would figure everything out in a few years. I imagined being 20, almost 21, and saw my life together. All the loose ends tied up. I was sure that I would know exactly what I wanted to do with my life, who I wanted to spend my life with, and where I wanted to live my life. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

As the years pass by, I still find myself struggling with the same things I went through in high school. The indecision, the complication of life has multiplied. No longer do these thoughts lay dormant in the back of my mind. They threaten my very sanity most days. When I was a child, I could easily push them out of my thoughts and move on because they weren’t as important then and I had time. How foolish I was.

Time survives on the chaos it creates. It is our constant enemy. People always say “time heals all wounds” and “your time will come” and “time flies when you’re having fun,” among many other phrases. What they should says is time is a heartless douchebag hell bent on ruining lives. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Some wounds are never really healed and to say that they can be removes the idea that there was something so powerful that it could affect you so much. We need wounds to remember and to realize how real something was. Sometimes, your time doesn’t come. You can wait your entire life and never have that breakthrough. As much as you dream, they may never be a reality.

Time does fly when you’re having fun, but that also contributes to the idea that time is a foe and no friend of mine. The most awful experiences drag on but those perfect nights when just for a little bit everything makes sense seem to pass by in a fleeting manner. It’s ridiculous. So much of life is serious and we don’t have time for fun and when we do, it’s over before we know it.

Over time, our little complications become giant spiderwebs of tangled thoughts and feelings. Trying to sort through becomes such a sticky mess and it often can make things worse. We give up, vowing to return when we’re older, swearing that in time everything will make sense.

If you’re out there spouting this line of nonsense to yourself, I’m here to shatter that illusion. The longer you’re alive, the messier things get. The more involved you get. The more the complications begin to hurt you. And that sucks.

As an eternal optimist and a dedicated dreamer, thoughts like this scare me too. Typing them out makes them real, and it makes me sad. I want to believe that someday I’ll completely recover and that someday everything I’ve wanted all my life will come true. But life is complicated enough without holding on to illusions about what life will never be: fair.

If it was fair, I wouldn’t be writing this post. My complications would be gone. My life would be easily understood and simple. It would also be boring.

The unfairness of life gives it flavor. If we always got exactly what we wanted when we wanted it, would anything hold value? Would getting the person of our dreams matter when we knew it would happen all along? Would being employed by your dream place be special because you never had any doubt? Disappointment sucks, but it also allows us to appreciate what we get.

As disappointed as I may be, I know that in time God will unveil His plan for me and it will be marvelous. It may not be what I want, but it’s what is supposed to happen. Maybe my complications will be sorted through or maybe forever I’ll wonder “what if.” Maybe in time everything will finally make sense or maybe I’ll be more confused. That idea freaks me out, but thank God that there is a plan for me somewhere.

I’m thankful for my complications as complicated as they tend to be. They push me to be a better person and work harder. They also force me to see exactly who I am and what I want out of life. They also drive me crazy.