Small victories

I’m a big picture person. I want to get to the epic finale but I don’t want to put in the day to day work. I see my goals, but the thought of working every day exhausts me. Because of this, I simply don’t. 

I don’t listen to my logical side

I don’t try to get better

I don’t try to reason with myself


Weight loss is a major part of this. I am by no means fat and I’m actually becoming more friendly toward my physical appearance (most days). The problem isn’t my size; it’s how I treat my body. 

I know I want to be healthy. I know I want to listen to my body and eat better and workout more. But I don’t. 

I can picture a healthier me, a girl who isn’t riddled with guilt every time she eats a bowl of cereal and then another and then another. I believe I can someday eat when I’m hungry and enjoy delicious food occasionally when I’m not. I have hope I can turn down cake in the break room. But I’m not there yet. 

My eating is mainly an emotional thing. When I’m good and emotionally stable, it’s much easier for me to make the right choice. Current Chelsea making sure I take care of myself. When the depression creeps in, it becomes a crutch. 

I can’t change anything in my life. I can’t make my debt go away or magically make more money appear. But by God and I can get lo mein, General Tso’s and an eggroll followed by a Blizzard and for 20 minutes believe everything is ok. 

Food is my constant and my comfort. I know a ham hoagie with lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise and Italian dressing will be yummy in my tummy. I know that spicy chicken meal and Frosty from Wendy’s will hit the spot. Taco Bell is the best bae I know. 

This also makes shame and hatred my old friend. 

You want to hear something painfully honest and a little pathetic? I get sad when I’m almost done with my food. If I can, I add more because finishing means returning to my life away from the comfort. It doesn’t matter if my stomach hurts and my brain is telling me know, my poor, sad heart is begging for just a little bit more to dull the pain. 

I eat and then I mentally tear myself apart. Not because of what I’m eating, but because I know why I’m doing it. 

I will never stop loving the greasy and fattening, but I need to learn it can’t save me. 

Today was a small victory and something rare for me. I’m alone in Buffalo for Thanksgiving and already feeling low. To cheer myself up, I planned all day to get a ham hoagie after work. I looked forward to to. I could taste the mayo saturated lettuce.

When I got to my second job, I had a snack and some candy and by some candy I mean too much candy. I’ve been in tights for 12+ hours and my stomach is feeling it. I still planned to go along with my plan because this week has been garbage and I’m sad and it will give me a momentary relief. Plus, I had a few extra dollars before pay day and the law of my life States I must spend it or lose it before I receive new money. 

Maybe it was because I was so tired or maybe it was because I knew I’d regret it as soon as I finished. On some level, I think I realized it wouldn’t fix me. 

I know saying no today doesn’t mean I’m all better. I’m sure some people might think this victory is silly. That’s fine. It’s not about you. 

For me, it was a moment of looking past how I was feeling in this exact moment and realizing it wasn’t going to solve anything. It wouldn’t even make me feel better. Comfort food is one thing, but eating to be comforted when you’re hungry is something else altogether. 

Food will always be an issue for me. I will always crave it above all else, even God for comfort. It will rule me at times and make me hate myself. But small victories like tonight remind me food won’t beat me. 

I just want you to know

Sometimes I get depressed. I go through seasons where I’m unstoppable and then I hit valleys where I’m apathetic and filled with hopelessness. Because my family is no stranger to mental illness, this terrifies me.

I manage to wake up every day and go about my business, but the passion I have for life lives so far down I can barely access it. The things I love seem pointless. Today was a particularly bad day, coupled with a loss in our family.

I left work early, numb to everything. I came home, put on my pajamas and got into bed. I didn’t want to eat, but I did. I didn’t want to watch TV, but I did. I didn’t want to sleep, but I did. This is what happens. It’s like I lose my appetite for everything.

Eventually I reemerge just as bright as ever, but until then I deal with the constant feelings of inadequacy. Like I’ll never be a good writer or good at makeup or get my eating under control. I know what I need to do to get better but I can’t, like there’s a block or something.

Tonight I watched Brooklyn, practiced doing my makeup and listened to some music and felt more like myself. Sometimes it’s little things like this that remind me life is still beautiful.

Plus it’s snowing and I have a new coat. I love new seasons and the opportunities presented. I have hope for the good things that will happen in my life. I know God is in control.

I can get through this. I can and I will.


Today life irreparably changed.

I knew my parents were going home today for a memorial service. We talked about the family Christmas party and what I planned to give my grandmother. We made plans.

One accident, one slip, one moment changed everything.

Life is so incredibly fragile, just waiting to be broken. We tiptoe around to stay safe, but it will stick crack.

All our plans, ideas, dreams are disrupted and somehow life continues. In a time when you don’t understand how the world will change, the earth keeps spinning and we keep going.

Life doesn’t stop for anyone I guess.

Custom racist banners 

Tonight I saw a house with a giant lighted Trump/Pence display. And then I saw a house with a custom printed banner to congratulate Trump. This one was attached straight to the home in question.

My question is simply who takes the time to create and order something like that? 

I don’t have much else to say beyond that. It takes all kinds, maybe. 

How I handle conflict

I don’t.





When you share your political position on Facebook, you’re opening yourself up to conflict. This is never my purpose. I don’t shy away from opinions different from mine, but I don’t care to get in a never ending comment reply argument where neither party will concede. Too many notifications.

I did this yesterday. I wrote my thoughts on the election, why I chose to vote for love and why white people need to shush up about what they cannot understand. I hoped my refusal to fight online would spur the trolls to stay away, but I was wrong.

Here’s the thing – I didn’t vote based on parties or policies. I don’t care about the things you’ve done. I looked at how the candidates treated people and how I thought they would lead. To me, this is most important. The greatest commandment given is to love God with all our mind, body and soul. The second and equally important is to love others as yourself. In my mind, I wasn’t loving other people like Jesus by choosing a candidate who used hateful words and threats toward people different than him.

My argument was Jesus. I wasn’t looking for a political spin or justification or for a white guy to tell me I was overreacting. Fortunately, I got it all.

My mom told me I was sliding down the liberal slope. At least she complimented my writing so like my path to the left, I’ll let it slide (ba dum tssss). A few replied in support, including one of our pastor’s wives, so that felt nice. But there were the people who wanted to engage more.

I won’t detail all of them, only one guy. He is the straight, white Trump supporter from a small town. He will tell you he didn’t want Trump, that he was backed into a corner, but it’s hogwash. I’m not saying Trump was his first choice, but when you spend your time defending him all over Facebook, you need to check yourself.

My thoughts weren’t overwhelming original, especially my point about now is the time for Trump supporters to see their role is to show they aren’t racist instead of telling the world who now accuses them they aren’t. I’ve known a lot of people who aren’t racists and then a lot of racists who will assure you they aren’t racist.

Part of the idea was white people need to stop telling everyone to not worry and move on. Sharing articles with facts doesn’t stop the fear in the heart of millions in America now facing at least four years with a guy who spent his entire campaign tearing them down. I know I’m very privileged, but as a woman, I was targeted.

Even worse, most of America shrugged that off. He’s a guy, it doesn’t mean anything. Dear country, that really hurts. Some of the most important women in my life have been sexually assaulted and it breaks my heart knowing a man like Trump is now our leader.


This guy will seek out anyone and try to justify himself. I wish I had the energy to go to every Trump supporter, especially the women, and comment lengthy replies on their statuses, but I simply unfollow them like an adult. Kidding (in most cases).

The day the world fell apart, when half of America grieved for Hillary Clinton’s loss, I shared an article about what it meant for America and explained why I cried and cried all day. This guy chimed with some asinine comment I don’t remember because it didn’t matter. The next day, even though I didn’t reply, he added another comment. Cool, troll.

He chimed in today not understanding why people were afraid. I wanted to scream at him in my comment that he would never understand because he didn’t want to. Still I ignored, but one of my Facebook friends decided to call out all the horrible things Trump has said against women, Muslims, Mexicans, the LGBTQ community and more.

Obviously, white guy commented back, addressing each group with a separate comment (real annoying for my notifications). He ended saying he could see why they were upset, but it was an overreaction and excused Trump’s statements as poor word choices.

I shared my feelings because now isn’t the time to remain silent when the country is divided. I’m not trying to fuel the conflict or further the divide. The only thing that will bring us back is love and I don’t think it will happen under Trump. But I will spend every second being true to my beliefs.

I didn’t share for mansplanation about equality.

But that is what I got. Hopefully he keeps commenting when I post my feelings so I can continue to ignore him and watch him continue to comment as if it matters. You aren’t commenting for conversation; you’re seeking conflict and to be right and to justify your choice.

If I say in a post, white people you need to shush up, your solution shouldn’t be the slide into the comments section with your flags waving.

What I did learn is people will see their side. Trump voters say we’re overreacting and cry babies and we need to move on not worry. Clinton supporters are fighting harder than ever and in disbelief no one sees what we see. Everyone else has checked out which might be more upsetting. Now is not the time to bow out.

People looking for a quick return to normalcy on social media are expecting unity to occur post haste in our country. Something cracked November 8. We cracked as a nation. Trump is the duct tape who will attempt to hold us together. The world will see this sloppy job and wonder why we couldn’t do it right the first time. The tape will fray and more and more we’ll see it can’t hold us together.

It will snap.

Do I think a president is the solution we need? No. We the people need to come together now and fight for equality. And keep fighting keep fighting keep fighting keep fighting and never give up. Having a leader with similar values helps, but you can’t put your hope on one person.

Unless that person is Jesus, obviously. I know He’s with us, but we need to make America great again by showing each other why we’re great.

I feel like this hit a lot of different areas, but that’s ok. Sometimes we need to ramble to find the truth.

I want to meet the Chopped editors

You know they edit the interviews so viewers say things like ‘no one ever cooks the puff pastry’ or ‘he’s going to forget that ingredient’ and ‘why do the judges ALWAYS tell them to get everything on the plate like they don’t know/aren’t stressed enough.’

Or maybe they add an ingredient and discuss what it will add and you think to yourself ‘it’s going to be too sweet, that’s not a basket ingredient it’s a bad idea.’

You know this is how you watched Chopped. Even if you’re alone, you say it to Ted like he’s your friend too.

If I was on the show, I would make five plates. I want Ted to enjoy.

I’m done now.

I will not stop fighting

This is a post I’ve wanted to write for a week, but I knew it would be hard. I know some people like my mother who read and actively support my writing will be disappointed with me because I’m not following the right path. By ‘right,’ I mean what is seen as correct and the conservative, right-wing opinion.

I was raised to think Republicans were God’s chosen party and we needed to remain conservative. When my father registered as a Democrat, I remember thinking how horrible. I was appalled. How could anyone not be a Republican?

My eighteenth birthday fell two months before the 2008 election, and I registered Republican because that was my job as a Christian. This was the year Obama swept the nation with his message of hope. Friends in high school who couldn’t vote wore hoodies advertising his platform and I was disgusted. Didn’t they know better? My mom said he would ruin America.

In both of Obama’s election, I voted Republican. My justification was that, as a Christian, I had to vote for the candidate who represented my values best. Being pro-life, this typically comes down to the abortion issue. To me, everything else was politics. I assumed either would do a similar job in office, so I didn’t care about plans or policies.

Looking back, I realize it never occurred to me how momentous it was to witness our first black president. This is incredibly disappointing. I let myself think he wasn’t a good choice and as a white girl from a small town, I didn’t think anything of it because it didn’t seem like a victory to me.

When this election began, I was an ‘anyone but Trump’ person. Early on, it was simply because I saw it as a joke, not a threat. My mom really dislikes Hillary Clinton, so like many others I assumed she was the devil. When it came down to Clinton and Trump, I was a ‘they both suck’ person planning to go third party.

What changed?

More and more, I’ve let my brain think for itself. While I think it’s valuable to hear the opinion of those you respect, I would simply grab that opinion and let it become my own. I’ve learned to escape the trapping of what I should think and decide how I actually feel.

At first I laughed off Donald Trump’s racism because I didn’t see him as a threat. When I started paying attention, I was appalled, both at him and his supporters. I don’t care if you think he’s the fresh breath we need in the White House; you need to acknowledge his racism is unacceptable.

If you and your circle of influence weren’t directly insulted by Trump’s words, you don’t understand why they’re a big deal. To you, they’re just words because he’s a buffoon. Don’t take them seriously. We nominated a buffoon for president and now we’re told to not take what he says seriously. No straight, Christian, white person has the right to tell someone else not to worry when you don’t understand.

I say ‘person’ and not ‘man’ because it’s alarming how many women weren’t offended by Trump’s views and treatments toward us. We heard how he disrespected and violated women and still we voted for him, excusing his language because he’s a guy.

Republicans think they have a right to this country. They believe they are right and the liberal agenda will ruin us. We can’t survive four more years with a Democrat, they say. Christians stick with Republicans because traditionally they line up with our values. Traditionally, I’m ok with this. The problem is when Christians believe their holy Republican mission is greater than God’s mission for us.

What is the greatest commandment? Elect a Republican candidate to keep America conservative? Save our nation through our government? Make everything that isn’t Biblical illegal to keep people right with God?

Maybe you’re reading that thinking that’s not how it is and maybe I believe you, but none of that matters. If you’ve followed Jesus long, it’s likely you know the real commandment.

The religious people of the land loved to question Jesus and try to trip him up. Time and time again, he showed who he was and what it meant to actually follow God.

“One of them, an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question, ‘Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?’

Jesus replied, ‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.'” (Matthew 22)

We aren’t supposed to love God and support our political agenda. God doesn’t have a political agenda. He didn’t answer our prayers and put Trump in the White House. We did that with our free will. Jesus doesn’t have an elephant sticker on his car.

Politics are a messy part of religion because there isn’t a commandment telling us how to vote. But Jesus does tell us how to love.

My greatest purpose in this world is to love God and love others. Period. My neighbors aren’t just my physical neighbors or the people I know or people like me. I am called to love everyone. This means even if I agree with the stereotypes or think someone is a threat to my safety, I am still supposed to love them.

Now let’s look at both candidates. For the sake of this post, we’re going to eliminate all of the alleged criminal activity. We’re going to take away every stupid thing they’ve done in the past. Now we’re left with two people who campaigned this year for our vote.

Trump built his campaign on rallying the crowds and allowing hate to fill his words. Because we wanted change, we allowed it.

He threatened to keep all Muslims out because they’re terrorists. He wants to build a wall and deport Mexicans because they’re rapists and ‘bad hambres.’ He plans to take away marriage rights for the LGBTQ community. He’s spent an extraordinary amount of time belittling women with terms like ‘pig’ and ‘nasty,’ and that’s ignoring the tapes where he bragged about sexually assaulting women because of his power.

Because I’m not threatened, I wasn’t concerned. They’re just words, after all.

My agenda as a human is to love others. To hear threats against people I care about and take them seriously, not write them off because they’re ridiculous. It is to tell bullies they cannot keep us down.

In most elections, I don’t think it matters. Typically we have two politicians who probably won’t screw up too much. This time we had a real candidate and a hateful man and we elected him because we didn’t trust her and we needed change.

Like it or not, you supported his mission of inequality.

There is no way around this. I won’t call you all racists because I know you all aren’t and some of you would never admit it. But Donald Trump showed his true colors. Even if he changes his opinion, he’s said the words.

“Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit – you choose.” (Proverbs 18:21)

Trump isn’t offering us fruit, only poison.

I voted for who I thought would love others better through equality and inclusivity, instead of panic and fear. I hear the reasons you voted for Trump. Now is the time, regardless of who we voted for, to show love to everyone. This isn’t done by saying move on or telling them not to worry.

The election is over, yes, and like it or not Trump won. I thought at first this meant I had to be quiet now, but the fight is far from over. As a Christian, I thought I needed to be quiet and supportive of my leader, but that’s not right. I have to give up letting people know they are heard and loved to support a man? Is that Biblical? No.

Remember those guys who were thrown in the furnace for not bowing to a false God? Or how about any of the disciples who were killed for continuing to preach? Maybe Esther who stood up to the king to save her people, even though she knew it could take her life?

“And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14)

I will not accept this as normal. I will pray for our president and wish him well, but what we’ve allowed to happen will never be ok. We have put our fears and frustrations over our fellow Americans. I will keep fighting and making sure people know they are loved.

You can be upset and disappointed with me because of my radical liberal views, but that’s not who I am. I am someone who loves people and puts that above all else. I want equality and safety for all, not presumed safety at the expense of a group we stereotype and generalize.

I know people will read this and be mad and try to tear apart my argument. I know I’m not a theologian. I’m not trying to start a fight. But I will not pretend or hide my feelings about this for approval or to spare a fight.

I won’t stop fighting to love others, because that is equally as important as loving my God and Savior. This is only the beginning, and there is hope.

Some brief thoughts on movie trailers

I think this is a subject I’d like to expand on later, but right now it’s late so I’ll keep it brief. 

Well. Brief for me. 

I love movie trailers. I love the music and glimpses of greatness, the low notes that lead to the heartwarming conclusion. It’s my favorite part of going to the movies. In fact, sometimes I’m against seeing a movie if I don’t think it will provide me with entertaining trailers. 

Tonight I saw a movie for which I had never seen a trailer. I was against it. Sure, I had heard about it and heard the praise, but I didn’t know what to expect. I like knowing what the expect. 

As the opening credits began after the gentle rocking of the trailers, I felt anxiety race through my veins. I wanted to run instead of stay. I realized this was so silly. I also realized what an analogy for my life. 

I like trailers because I like high points. I like the overview. I like knowing everything is going to be ok. Without the trailer, I didn’t know. 

That is how I get. I need to know details. I need to be able to see the good and bad set to a great song knowing it will all end for the best. 

Unfortunately, that isn’t life. God doesn’t give me a highlight reel. I have each day, one at a time. And that’s so terrifying. 

Sometimes I think our lives in rhythm are similar to trailers. We expect how each day will go, and anticipate some level of better and worst. When we’re knocked out of rhythm, the gameplan is gone. 

That’s how I feel. I used to have guaranteed salary paychecks and a schedule and career and I knew the most important details were figured out. I was like a giant ship on the ocean. I might get rocked around, but I’ll be ok. 

The only problem? My ship was the Titanic. It wasn’t an external iceberg that sunk me; it was the inner voice I didn’t listen to for years. 

Now I’m floating on a door in the ocean. I can’t see the safety, but I know it’s coming. My trailer is stuck in the low point and I’m looking for the miracle I can’t see yet. 

The movie was really great. I didn’t need to know the main points to enjoy the experience. Who would’ve known. 

10 answers for why you’re still single

Welcome to the most wonderful time of the year! The time when the weather cools and you can go ice skating with your significant other, holding hands and giggling as you almost fall down. You decorate together, laughing over family ornaments. There’s an exchange of presents and you love the heart necklace he purchased almost as much as he loves the [insert sports team] t-shirt you bought him.* Magic is all around.   

*I don’t know how present buying works in relationships so I guessed

Unfortunately, those scenes pulled straight out of a snow globe aren’t applicable to all of us. For many, holidays equal time for relatives we barely see to ask why we’re still single. We already feel the cold, dark sadness of having to ice skate alone, picking ourselves up from the frozen surface when we inevitably fall again. We don’t need your salty questions in our wounds.

I’m going to take a moment and speak to these relatives: just stop. Nobody, no matter how content, likes being asked that. Even phrasing it “how are you still single?” sucks. Instead of focusing on what we’re ‘lacking,’ ask about how great our lives are. You’re on Facebook so you see we do more than mope about being alone. Instead of focusing on our relationship status, ask about our job or maybe our recent vacation. If you can’t think of anything to say except a comment about your relative’s singleness, maybe a simple ‘nice to see you’ will suffice.

Moving on.

Based on the demographic breakdown of the seven or so people who read my blog, I’m sure no one will read that who it applies to, so I’m going to focus on the singletons again. I would love if our well-meaning relatives learned to ask different questions, but it’s probably just a better plan to be prepared. Below are 10 reasons why you’re probably still single. Feel free to use and adapt for your situation.

  1. I’m really an alien sent on a reconnaissance mission and I’m not allowed to date

The key to this is selling it. Obviously they will think you’re kidding, especially because they probably knew you as a baby, but don’t give up. Try to convince them with vague details and then suddenly reach your hand to your ear, look concerned and say out loud ‘oh no, I’ve said too much,’ and quickly walk away. See, you have a reason for your family member and an excuse to get out of there. You’re welcome.

  1. I’m really focused on my career

This one could be true and is a little more boring, but you can always spice it up. Who knows what your ‘career’ actually is – for all they know you’re really a spy and adding people to your family is an incredible risk for everyone you love. I mean my family thought I did marketing, but could they prove it? Probably not.

  1. I’m still waiting for someone who fits my perfect breakdown so I can create the perfect nuclear family based on the expectations of society

This makes you sound like you have a plan and like you’re a sad robot who doesn’t believe in love. You’ll either confuse your relative or have them cheer for you because they think it’s good you have standards.

  1. I almost got married and thought nah, better not

This will make their mind spin as they wonder how they possibly missed your love on Facebook. Then they will spiral and wonder why you gave up the chance to be married. In their confusion, you can make your getaway and grab another cookie.

  1. Marriage is a social construct where the patriarchy enslaves women

This will make you look like a scary raging feminist which tbh sounds great. I’m assuming your family is similar to mine and thinks being a feminist is a bad thing, because equal rights is a ridiculous concept in 2016. At this point you can leave it at that or continue your rant, throwing in phrases like ‘stomp the patriarchy’ and ‘I hate men’ and ‘burn my bra’ to really freak them out.

  1. I can’t pick a winner from my harem

This will make you look like a biblical baller, just waiting for your Esther to appear. Start naming the men/women in your harem and listing their pros and cons and maybe ask for the input of your relative since they want to be involved in your life. Pro tip: Carry photos with you of these random people to really make this one convincing.

  1. My fiancé is still trying to get a visa

Here my suggestion is act demure, talk about how it’s a secret so they will feel included and talk about how you met online and fell in love. Bonus points if you mention all the money you’ve sent to them to help them get to you. Baller points: Ask for money to help speed along the process from your relative. Find a very obvious catfish profile and show it to them. Foolproof.

  1. Because I’m really a vampire and I can’t stop sucking the blood from all my suitors

This works if you’re pale and fond of black like me. It’s possible they already suspect you of witchcraft, so this isn’t too much of a stretch. You can even get realistic looking prosthetics that fit over your teeth and look like fangs. Don’t engage them again until dinner. In the middle of the meal, noticeably excuse yourself. When you return, after you’ve put a fake blood packet in your mouth, make eye contact with your relative, then smile and rub your belly.

Best case scenario they think you’re weird and avoid you. Win-win.

  1. I’m selective because there are more important things to me

This one might be harder to understand or win you praise you aren’t looking for. You will be met with ‘they will come when you least expect it’ or ‘there just isn’t anyone deserves you honey’ or something like that. False. I never expect anything at this point and I’m not going to rant about the concept of ‘deserving’ someone. Just try to break this one gently. Kudos if you brought your halo to add to the effect.

  1. Because I’m exactly where God wants me

Even if you struggle with this, you will get Christian points from your family. Kidding, kind of. Ultimately this is the answer to their questions. You’re single because you are right now and that is that. Some people may understand and respond similar to reason number 2, but others might think you’re strange and walk away.

You might be single because you don’t want it and say no to everyone, which is great, and you can say that too. It’s your life, your choice. But if you are interested and maybe looking, take heart! There’s nothing wrong with you. We all grow and meet people when we’re supposed to and God knows what He’s doing. Even when it’s frustrating.

Whether you use the truth or something a little more entertaining, I hope your family is manageable and not too depressing. I think I’m going to try the vampire or spy route myself.

Where do I want my life to go?

Last night I sleep drunkenly posted about my Christmas tree. And by ‘sleep drunkenly’ I mean I was so tired it was like I was blacking out as I wrote. I reread it today and thankfully most of it made sense. I remember thinking it was what I wanted to talk about earlier in the day, but clearly I waited too long and didn’t develop the idea clearly.

At least I wrote, right?

I decided I wanted to try and write everyday instead of getting trapped in my head. I count yesterday as a victory because even if it was babbling about peace around a Christmas tree, it was something.

Today my makeup was boss and I felt super confident. I also realized I’ve been posting a lot about the election this week and maybe it was too much, but then it occurred to me this is an important battle. I thought the Christian approach was to quiet down, but a tweet reminded me that the Bible isn’t filled with people bowing to the rule of the land if it contradicts what they believe. I don’t plan to violently riot or hate, but I will keep fighting for what is right. Maybe I will expand on this later.

Back to looking good.

Every day I spend probably at least an hour sitting at my desk and applying makeup. I stare at my collection and wonder what the day will bring. It is like becoming myself and I cherish every moment. I can get ready faster, don’t get me wrong, but I purposely carve out time to give myself ample time to simply be and become myself.

Most days, my makeup looks good. This is simply a fact in case it sounds arrogant. I’m not great though. I work at Sephora so I see great every day from my amazing coworkers. Some days, I reach great, or what feels like great to me. I feel unstoppable and like anything is possible. All problems melt away because my brows are on fleek and my glow is poppin’

I should delete that paragraph but I’m not.

All day I’ve felt good, despite the circumstances of my life. Now I’m watching How to Be Single and like amped up on my singleness. I want to move to New York City and see what life holds for me there.

This is what I do though. I’m looking for the next adventure that will start my life. I want the diet and exercise plan that will get me looking like all the women I see in the movies so I can begin the next phase. Maybe it’s the right style or makeup or group of friends. The point is I’m always looking for something else. With no money to find something else.

Eventually, when the something else doesn’t happen, I lose focus. I get tired of waiting. I want to grow my hair out but I cut it because I’m frustrated. I need to pay off my credit cards but I’m sick of not having what I want now. This is simply the story of my existence.

I know if I want this to change, I need to change. I will not get out of debt if I keep charging things. I will not grow my hair if I keep cutting it. I will not be healthy if I think two pack of a PopTarts a day are acceptable.

There are a thousand things I need to change, like most people, but I can’t think about every step. I can only think about the next step in front of me. I started by taking all my credit cards out of my wallet and trusting God (also by being a better steward of my money and actually saying no to myself).

I’m also aware I do need some longterm goals. Right now this is my future plan: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Realistically, I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’ve said goodbye to a career in communications I thought I wanted and now I’m left with a job I love at Sephora and a job that pays my bills doing marketing. But I know it cannot last forever. Instead of trying to create a plan for every step of even my career, I will start basic:

  1. Keep writing
  2. Keep getting closer to God
  3. Pay off credit cards
  4. Find place to live so I can be independent
  5. Be independent
  6. Follow God’s plan one day at a time

Ok. I know it’s simple. But I don’t get to see the big picture; that’s God’s job. I will simply listen to it daily and trust where it goes.

This is day 1. Kind of.