Here for the moment

It’s been more than a year since I’ve written anything personal, and that was the first time in basically two years. This season is really representative of that I think. Meaning back in those days, when I was writing, I thought I should do it more. Just like at church I used to think I didn’t have enough volunteers and now some weeks I’m the only person on the team.

Anyway. The point is we can get caught up in everything we wish and don’t have to the point that we realize we have it pretty good. That’s not the point of this, but I wanted to mention it.

Actually, I’m not sure there is a point to this. I just wanted to come back. I felt ready.

In 2018, I decided to take a year off from social media until I turned 29. I planned to keep up my writing and even had a few months of emailing people. But then I got really self-conscious about putting myself directly into inboxes and it felt forced. Instead of writing when I was compelled, I would sit down and search for words that didn’t want to be found.

So I stopped.

And the last three years have been weird.

Not just because, you know *gestures wildly at everything wrong with the world*

Recently though, something changed. For people dealing with mental illness, you can probably relate. It’s like I came out of a fog. I didn’t change my routine with medicine or start therapy. I haven’t been active or eating well. I just feel better and it’s weird. But amazing.

Do people take feeling like themselves for granted? I know I do until I get back again.

I’m laughing again. At so many things. I have energy to do things instead of binge watch TV all night (not every night, at least). It’s a million little things that are different and they all add up to me feeling good.

The other side of mental illness is the realization I probably won’t always be this way. The fog may return and cloud my brain into forgetting all the me things, but that’s okay. I will live here, right now in the moment, and hope I can stay somewhere close to this even when things get crazier.

This is super rambly. I’m on a train coming back from NYC and enjoying this life I get to love.

Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure I’ll check in soon.